Of course I don't usually like gender stereotypes, but I thought this quite clever. Of course, Santa, like Christ, is neither female nor male but a sacred androgyne epitomizing primitive qualities that transcend gender; in shis case, generosity.
I think that deep down inside, Santa Claus may really be a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's really a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a traditional "guy" could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of "real men" don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a "he-Santa" would be actually getting there. First of all,
there would probably be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked with a level to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- "real men" can't pack a bag.
- "real men" would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- "real men" would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen hanging around with all those elves.
- "real men" don't answer their mail.
- "real men" would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest,
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- "real men" aren't that interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them, and besides, having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- And finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.